Don’t F**k With The Natural Laws Of Social Media

Posted November 5, 2008

Don't fuck with the natural laws of social networkingOver the past year, I’ve noticed that the most successful social media folks share a set of behaviors that make them stand apart from the crowd. I’ve also noticed that those who crash and burn share a certain set of behaviors.

The difference between these to groups is the degree to which they respect (or disrespect) the natural laws of social media.

Follow these laws, and you become a rock star. Ignore them, and you go up in flames.

Good news and bad news

The good news: Our command of these social media laws has nothing to do with our knowledge of technology. It has everything to do with the creation of authentic relationships.

The bad news: Most of us probably suck at creating authentic relationships.

Fortunately we have mentors in social media who exemplify authenticity, trust and generosity. They respect the three laws of social media, and base their actions upon them:

1. You Can’t Fake Having A Personality

Chris Garrett’s Twitter page is one of my favorites because he has a picture of himself with his dog.

People want to connect with other people – not your products, not your ebooks, not your fancy affiliate links. Think of someone you’ve met recently who left an impression on you. What impressed you more, their worldly accomplishments or their authenticity and openness?

Looking for a good dose of personality? Check out Naomi Dunford.

2. You Can’t Automate Trust

“We trust people whose inside values are visible on the outside.” – Liz Strauss

Now, think about someone who you regard as remarkably trustworthy. Do they follow-through on promises only when it’s convenient for them? When they are wrong do they blame you?

If you say you’re going to do something, do it sooner and better than expected. And don’t be afraid to screw up. Mistakes will be made – just be quick to honestly apologize.

3. “Bodhisattva” Ain’t No Steely Dan Song

In social networking, the “link fairy” will sprinkles dust on those who help others succeed. The mystic nature of this law defies logic. We think of cause and effect in linear terms: “If I want to attain this goal, then I need to I need to focus more time and effort on my agenda.”

But isn’t it interesting how the most successful people spend a great deal of their time helping others? Strange, huh?

Try this: Make a 6-month commitment to create remarkable value for others. Look at your 10 closest SM friends and ask yourself: “What do they need now and how can I help?” Bake this “Bodhisattva” mindset into your long term SM strategy.

Be yourself.  Keep your promises.  Help others.  And for God’s sake, look both ways when you cross the street!

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  • Thanks Jeff! How are things going towards the April campaign for Children's care?

    John
  • Great insights there John. So many posts about how to work Twitter, but so many just keep kicking out links to their site and not engaging others to build relationships. You live what you talk, so I bow down in your direction...is it east... :)
  • Gee, like Neil Young? Wow, that's crazy, horse.

    Seriously, old man take a look at my life. I'm a lot like you.

    James is brilliant.
  • Allen - Awesome point - you rock like Neil Young! Check out what James said:

    "You don’t have to have an emotional, deeply felt conversation to be authentic. You just need to drop that pitch and converse."

    John
  • @Naomi, lol too funny.

    @John, Well, scariness aside, I think social media allows people to be themselves. One word that irks me to see people use is "transparent". I don't want to be transparent. I'm not naturally that way. People are generally the same online as they are in real life and you can't hide it. Tone comes out in your words. If you're an asshole in the non-virtual world then you'll be an asshole online (and people generally think I'm an asshole). I don't tolerate horse manure real well and don't mind shining a bright light on it when I see it. I tend to gravitate toward others who are the same way. With social media, if you just act like yourself instead of acting like what you think other people want you to be - like, instead of trying to appear as if you are transparent, just be authentic - then you'll draw the people toward you that will compliment what you are doing. Everyone else will drift away (thank God!).
  • @cvharquail - What's your first name?

    On your blog, you talk about how being who you are gives permission for others to do the same.

    The best example of this is the Post Secret blog where folks publicly (but anonymously) share their darkest secret, causing others to do so as well.

    John
  • John, I think you're right on top of the issue that so many marketers and others forget when it comes to social media-- it works best when we use it to extend and maintain authentic relationships. Maybe you'd be interested in a post I just wrote on authenticity and social media.
  • Cheryl,

    You're not sleeping either? Can't wait for tomorrow's "reprint" of your post.

    Yawn....

    John
  • Interesting stuff...I love social media because it's so diverse. On Twitter, I am passionate about just being myself and enjoying the connections I make. I have no agenda. I joined Twitter 3 mos ago and try my best to be respectful and have a great time. I'm not out to impress anyone but I don't snub anyone who follows me...unless, of course, they are not human or trying to sell me 24/7 instead of a simple hello!

    Great blog!
    Cheryl
    @thedailyblonde
  • @Naomi - Case in point. If we all got drunk before commenting on blogs, insincerity would never be an issue.

    @Allen - I think Naomi is much scarier than Stephen King - even after he got hit by the van.

    :-)
  • John, I think your example of Naomi was perfect. She had a controversial post on her blog awhile back that explained why she cut off comments on the blog. Some folks took offense at her tone, but it's her blog. It's her voice. Read it or not. Your choice.

    There are also other folks out there who have genuine voices. Michael Martine, Remarkablogger, is one of them. There are others. I strive for that authenticity myself. The only way I can achieve it, however, is to pretend I'm a fiction character writing the reality of my own life. Kind of like a Stephen King novel without the scary stuff (although my wife would disagree about the scary stuff). :-)
  • OK, I freely admit that it's the middle of the night, I'm in the middle of launch, and I've been drinking. But I figured I'd comment anyway. (Note to self: write blog post about how that's generally a bad idea.)

    Twitter's a tough nut to crack. On the one hand, we respect those who are social, who converse, who contribute. On the other hand, if everybody did that the whole thing would collapse under it's own oh-so-social weight.

    Luckily, this operates on a bell curve. The Pareto Principle applies here just as much as anywhere else, although the ratio is probably -- and thankfully -- closer to 95/5 than 80/20. Because social = awesome but too-much-social = overwhelming and full of boring people pretending to be cool.

    Did I say that out loud? :)
  • This is why #magpie will (and should) fail.

    And why auto-DM'ing new followers with "Hi, thanks for the follow, here's my e-commerce site" is a big turn-off to many twitizens (me included).

    My challenge with Twitter is to keep my communication authentic (which means *not* automating it, despite the number of tools that enable scaling & automation) and still follow an increasing number of people, and take part in an increasing number of conversations. I suppose at some point that means limiting my follows, but I'd still rather do that than fake a connection with a large group.

    I wonder how the rockstars deal with this?
  • Thanks, Allen.

    What examples of "real" have you seen?
  • Great post. I am amazed at the number of people who continue to use social media like it's some kind of magical pincushion. You poke it and people you can't see on the other side of the world automatically do weird things as you say them out loud. Not!

    I have a saying: If it ain't real it's wrong.
  • @Michael - Honestly, you've actually been a "mentor of common sense" for me, so thanks!

    @Jonathon - Thanks for joining the discussion here. "...plus it just plain feels good to give more than you get."
    @Bill - Who sent you? I'd like to say thanks.

    @Pamela - Great point. BTW, I like what you have going on at your blog!

    Curious: Why don't we hear more about the role of helping others in developing a business? Why aren't there more business books like "The Go-Giver"?

    John
  • It's very true. The most successful people are the ones who give the most of themselves. Whether it's advice or support, the more they give the more we want to be a part of their community and help others succeed. Relationship building isn't as difficult as it seems. It's all about respect and treating others as we would want to be treated.
    Thanks for the great post.
  • John; So succinct and so true. When I started wandering around it seemed that you have to give love to get love, and that was where social media connected for me.
    The people that talk about who they are and what they feel are so much more interesting than the people who tell me what they want to sell.
    Found your blog through someone on twitter who shared it - and because I value their opinion I read it and leave here with something more than I came here with.
    Thanks
  • Here, here!

    And, it ain't just a social media thing. Spend the first 6 months of a new business leading with a giving hand and watch miracles unfold. It's always been one of my primary start-up strategies, plus it just plain feels good to give more than you get.
  • John, you've totally nailed it with this. Really good. These are the laws that people with traditional marketing and PR backgrounds have such a hard time with. Social media is NOT a propaganda broadcast channel. It's a relationship facilitator.
  • @James - Thanks for commenting and thanks for the post by Ben Wills!

    "You don’t have to have an emotional, deeply felt conversation to be authentic."

    Yeah - we don't want therapy sessions here, we just want people to be themselves.

    John
  • @Thanks, Hart - I like using both public and private channels because all the messages are in one location (Twitter). TweetDeck allows you to create columns for Replies and Direct messages, which I like.

    I'll start doing email once a conversation has developed around a specific project.

    I'll have to try Skype!

    @Melanie - Exactly - following common sense seems to work well for people like Hart, you, Liz, James and many other bloggers. We all need reminders!

    By the way, I think AidRSS is a great tool to use for my third point (“Bodhisattva” Ain’t No Steely Dan Song) by automatically sifting through feeds for the best stuff. This way, folks effectively "give way more then than they receive", as Grant mentions, without going mentally insane.

    John
  • Don't F*** with the natural laws of relationships. At the end of the day people want meaningful relationships and authentic conversation...when it's present you are using social media. I think that it is easy to confuse social media with tools. It's not about the tools, it's about the relationship. Social media is the relationship between a customer and a product or service.

    Here is a post that I came across in late May that may be beneficial to this conversation.

    You don't have to have an emotional, deeply felt conversation to be authentic. You just need to drop that pitch and converse. For a business this probably means more listening. Once you understand a need you can position your product and service to meet it.

    This is a great post and combined with many of the comments embodies the true power of social media. It's not about traffic aka "hits". It's not about selling a product or service. It's about creating relationships and engaging in authentic conversations.
  • or skype chat too // I've been "taking a lot of conversations underground" on that medium too ... mine is the same username as my twitter fyi
  • It still seems weird to offer it, but the first (and, I think, best) piece of advice I've been giving to people getting into community management and social media (particularly from the professional side), is: "Give yourself credit for not being stupid".

    A lot of folks seem to forget their many competencies as soon as they start poking around in this new space, and while a number of guidelines, traditions, metrics, and whatnot no longer apply, common sense certainly does. Using it as your main guide to interaction gets you half way to success.

    Same thing as applying the golden rule. Just because you may be representing a company doesn't mean you're suddenly a different person than the one who hates navigating telephone menu navigation, being treated rudely by customer service staff, or trying to figure out counter-intuitive interfaces. One of the most important (and valuable to your company) causes you can take up is to not force experiences on your community that you hate having to deal with yourself.

    To be any good at working in a people-centered space, just start by caring about people. The tools, tactics, and measurements come later.
  • How do I keep up with conversations? Hmm.. good question. Sometimes it is overwelming, and when that happens I just change the channel and (just like the TV) watch something else!~

    But I'm glad you mentioned the direct messaging .. to me, that is meant more for stuff you don't want public (email, passwords, usernames, real names, etc)... If you don't want to converse with another in the public's eye in public view on twitter - consider using google talk, or email instead! Twitter is meant for the world to see what you are doing and tallking about in 140 characters in less.
  • Hart,

    Good point: "...jump in and start conversing and keep a twitversation going on almost in real time."

    Honestly, this has been a challenge for me, simply because of my schedule. I'll typically scan the tweets from a particular user and then jump in. If the exchange becomes more about the two of us, I'll take it underground (using direct messaging).

    How do you keep up with conversations?

    John
  • "Think of someone you’ve met recently who left an impression on you. What impressed you more, their worldly accomplishments or their authenticity and openness?"

    So far .. the only people that impress me the most are the ones that actually engage in a conversation with you on twitter - meaning - when people reach out and tweet their 2 cents, they jump in and start conversing and keep a twitversation going on almost in real time (instead of like me - just stop twitter use and come back 5-6 hours later and offer replies to out of dated conversations)

    People's openness don't impress because it's not relevant. The novelty of talking to people who actually have accomplished much or, have high profile wears off quite fast if you are just a fan and trying to get a reply from them, instead of actually talking to them with something worth talking about (e.x. just saying hi! How's the weather? probably won't cut it)
  • @Grant,

    Man - you've brought this whole thing to a new level: "Give way more then you receive. And don’t expect to receive just because you give"

    90% of my success with social media, and everything else in my life, is because of this rule.

    @Nicholas - link away, brother!

    Thanks so much guys.

    John
  • John,

    First of all Thank you for inviting me to comment here.

    Yours is a wonderfully Succinct post commentary on the importance of being who you are and building relationships and connections especially in Social Networks and Social Media.

    If your okay I am going to add a snippet to of your commentary and a link to you blog on my own Twitter for Business page because yours continues the conversation from the Why to the how.

    Thanks
  • John- Could not agree more. Let me add the one "golden rule" I try to live my social media life by, give way more then you receive. And don't expect to receive just because you give. And if you can't add something to the conversation that has value, keep your comments to yourself. Especially on twitter.

    Social media is one of the greatest and most useful tools to come along in some time. For me, social media tools such as twitter actually complete the business end of my business, my blog. Using social media tools such as twitter extend our reach and our audience. We are able to micro-blog feeds and thoughts we simple would not or could not do on our blog. It is an instant way to add to and provide something to the conversations which are taking place. And tools like twitter have extended our blog's audience in huge ways. For me it is like having over 1,300 subscribers to my RSS feed. And it is the same for me too.

    And you are so right John when you say you have to be yourself. Mainly you have to be transparent. And if you are not, people are going to know and what influence you have gained, will be lost.

    Great post and this is just one example why I have you in my RSS reader and follow you on twitter.
  • Liz,

    Yes - it's always good to reflect on where we are and who we are becoming.

    It seems to me that people often get confused about social media, thinking that it's about technology or automation, when it's really about developing heartfelt relationships.

    People aren't looking for more effective communication, they're looking for more effective connections.

    John
  • Hi John,
    So much is changing so quickly online now. That we don't realize when something is affecting us. It's good to do what you're advising and also to take a little time now and then for reflection about where we are. In a way, we'll always be in this together, especially as the world gets smaller and smaller.
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