How To Do Social Media When You’re Going Through An Emotional Shit Storm

Posted January 14, 2009
44 Comments

mean joe green How To Do Social Media When Youre Going Through An Emotional Shit StormWhen I do social media coaching for my clients, we often talk about authenticity and how this builds trust. The two-way web (Web 2.0) has created an economic environment where trust is a the new currency. Trust is the “social lubricant” of our transactions.

The history of marketing in less than 87 words

250 years ago, we knew everything about the grocer’s family. We trusted who they were because we knew who they were. There was no keeping business and pleasure “separate” like we do today. Then we entered the marketing dark ages of  “messaging” and “positioning” where trust was a fabrication. We ended up with tainted Asprin and Enron. Then Al Gore and Facebook killed all that and now we’re back to buying and selling our wares at the town bazaar – only it’s all on the web.

There are at least three ways to establish trust online

  1. Social Proof -Book marking, testimonials, number of comments, number of subscribers, community involvement.
  2. Consistency - Sticking around for years.
  3. Being Honest - Just being who you are.

Number 3 is the toughest. In fact, most of us spend our whole lives trying to get this one right.

Plus, we’re also afraid.

Let’s be honest, we all have some fear about opening up and being ourselves – especially when we’re going through an emotional shitstorm. Like I just did.

Some of my close friends know that I was engaged to a woman that I was crazy about. I even wrote an entire album of songs about her. Well, sometimes things don’t work out the way that we want – even though it’s what we really need. Mick Jagger made millions teaching us that.

So it’s been tough. I’ve been feeling down and up – and up and down. But this is who I am.

At the same time, I’ve kept a happy face for everyone because I’m afraid:

  • Afraid that crying will make my friends run away.
  • Afraid that I’ll be judged as “less than perfect” (which is assaholic).
  • Afraid that really underneath everything, you’ll find out that I’m just a loser.

Pretty stuff, huh? All lies, I know. But still…

I’m afraid that sharing this part of my life will ruin my “brand”. But what the hell is a brand anyhow? It’s us, isn’t it?

bob How To Do Social Media When Youre Going Through An Emotional Shit Storm

I mean, we can’t all be like Bob.

When I think about who I really respect (and trust) in social media, it’s the folks who have the courage to be completely unappologetic about who they  are. People like Amy Derby with her rabbit (see video on right). Or Gary Ynerchuk pumping about yelling vs. whispering.

So where am I going with all this?

If you want to leapfrog over Chris Brogan and Beth Kantor, the best way to do it is to be completely you – all the way! 100% you! In fact, you don’t even have to worry about differentiating yourself because NO ONE IS COMPETING WITH YOU AT BEING YOU!

And if you’re not sure how open you should be, just start your next post with “I’m not sure how open I should be…”

As TheDailyBlonde told me: “I am all for a little naked expose. Cleanses the soul. The support is amazing and cheaper than a shrink. We’re real people…do it.”

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  • Hooray for real people. Writing, to me, is all about being real. I never want someone to read my writing and then meet me in person and say, "Oh, you're SO different in 'real' life". That's total bull crap. We all have lives that have great moments of happiness and sadness. I do not believe for one moment that people are ALWAYS "up" and always "fantastic". When I see posts like that or updates on Facebook that are consistently perky, I realize that these people are probably more miserable than me when I've got the stomach flu. They won't let the "real" person out. I will never run and hide...life is too short for people to fake anything.

    You, John S. Haydon, rock. It's not easy saying your sad or even admitting to shedding a tear, but this makes you high on my list of "real" people I've never met in person. Keep on being yourself. Be sad, pissed off or happy..all in one day. That's called life.
  • Amy
    Real 2.0. Yeah!

    Love you dude. :-)
  • John,

    We. Are. Family.
    All your worlds have "got your back".
    Emerge as your authentic, shining self!

    Claudia
  • I love it. Who wants to be friends with a man who grins like somebody put fish-hooks in his cheeks?

    I'm all for the honesty, and it's good to read this when I've just written about how I'm not writing because I'm feeling very floppy and blocked. Yeah.
  • Interesting - I only read this post because someone on Twitter objected to using "shit storm" in the title and I wanted to see what you actually said :) So, you being you got me here.

    One of the reasons people are flocking to my book is that I tell the real story about learning how to meditate -- the frustrations, my inadequacies, my anger, my clinging, my depressed, suicidal self.

    I started writing Choosing to Be: Lessons in Living from a Feline Zen Master over fifteen years ago, but the world wasn't ready for a talking cat and Buddhist meditation. Now things are different -- after all, people write about talking to God, so it's not so unreasonable to have a Feline Zen Master.

    My point, you ask? Well, I am being who I am, an imperfect, sensitive, sometimes depressed person who is not happy and positive every moment of the day. And that is what people can identify with. They like a story that tells the truth, with a little humor. And they like a talking cat :)
  • Ria
    Doesn't it feel good to be REAL?! Great post, John. For me, it felt so good to take the armor off, to stop trying and feeling like I had to be "perfect" all the time. And interestingly enough, when I let myself "breathe," people breathed with me... like they were all holding their breath around me because I was "so in control," that they didn't feel comfortable being themselves either.

    You get what you give, right? Be real and you get real back! Real everything. Real friends. Real love! My heart goes out to you in your pain, because it is my pain too.

    People might eventually try to compete at being you but no one can! :)
  • I think being real is where it is at. I mean really, why waste time pretending to be someone you are not. It certainly does not result in real success and meaning in life.
    Thanks for putting your ideas out there in such a down to earth way.
    Peace,
    Leah
  • Great stuff - human beings like other human beings. We want to talk to people not mannequins! Keep up the good work dude, and sorry to hear about the shit storm.
  • This is a fantastic point - 'No one is competing with you at being you!'

    I know it's a cliché but honesty still is the best policy and I try to be honest in everything I do on the web. Sorry to hear you were having a hard time but it's times like these when you find out who your real friends are, both in the real and virtual worlds. :)
  • Great post! I couldn't have put it better myself. I like reading a bit about other people's lives; the good and the bad. Social media now makes it much easier to be close to people and get to know them better. Something that as you say, was lost for a while. It only makes me respect people more for who they are and how far they've come as well - it doesn't have to be seen as unprofessional. I personally find it very hard to open up online, but am trying to more and more as I can see the benefits!
  • This is a great post. Sometimes I worry about putting too much of myself out there on Twitter and Facebook (for example) in relation to my business, but I am a real person after all, so why not let that shine through? Plus, I have been getting good referrals through the social networking sites, so, it must be working to some extent. :)
  • "We can’t all be like Bob..."

    John,
    That has to be the greatest comment I've ever seen!
    And the actual photo OF Bob...Oh my God. I haven't laughed that hard in years.
    You definitely nailed it: Trust is a biggie. Everything seems so much like hype these days (like, ahem, Bob for example.)

    Great post, my friend.

    Jim
    P.S. Love the coffee :)
  • Hey, just wanted to leave a note. We are here with you, and yes, I agree, I will trust someone who will show me their brokenness openly much faster than I will trust someone who claims to be whole. Thanks for the honesty. Extra honesty points for using the phrase "shit-storm" on twitter.
  • There are a few times when I don't feel like sharing my current emotional state online... but when I'm in such a mood.. the best remedy is that very thought.

    We don't get to choose everything that happens. We do get to choose how we react.

    In most cases, I choose to react with a smile and get back to something positive as soon as I can. Many times, that's my social media connections.
  • Ah, John, so sorry... But you know as well as just about anyone, how sometimes a shitstorm is just nature's way of spreading fertilizer (from which good things so often grow all unexpected)? Like this post. We talk all the time about connecting with people on common ground, common interests, shared needs, all that - and what's more common to humanity than, oh, being humans? (Enough with the plastic-grinning Bobs!) Good stuff.
  • Oh, and "The history of marketing in less than 87 words" - love it!
  • I tried being someone else, but I didn't like their choice of cereal. Now I am much happier being myself and blogging as myself.

    Loved your post
  • @Rebecca - Thanks! I tried to write more than 87 words, but really don't know that much about marketing... ;-)

    @Lyndon - I should be clear by now that I'm a Fruit Loops fan.
  • Photopoppy
    When I saw the title of your post pop up in my Twitter stream, I thought maybe this was guidelines about posting during emotional stress without being so honest and so wrapped up in the stress that you start to lose your audience. I know a person who went through some difficult months, moving out of her mother-in-law's house, renting a house which turned out to have severe problems, and then getting divorced. She posted so frequently (15-20 posts/day) throughout the whole time that she scrolled my friends list for several days running.

    Being honest is good advice. Being honest and still maintaining a sense of balance is even better.
  • John - Thanks for sharing, for being you. I'm glad to have met you and doing the coaching thingie. I'm learning, err relearning a lot about myself and who i am / can be. Each day is a journey of digging deeper, exposing reality, walking on. Like Churchill once said: "Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts." Keep doing your thing!
  • Well, hell, man! Let it out and all that.
    I used to worry about what to say to a person who puts his storm in the world's CPU fan. But guess what? If you have the courage to bare your soul, you certainly have the strength to not only overcome your setbacks, but also to shrug stoically at my feeble attempts to commiserate.

    I have only "known" you for a little while, but I already like you.
    This post is just one more reason to keep doing so.

    Cheers,

    Mitch
  • Thanks for this post. As I try to tell my children, 'Always tell the truth, there's less to remember.' If they can get this in life, the rest is icing. ;)
  • @Mitch - Yeah, I like you too. You keep coming back (my second point in creating trust)!

    @Jim - Thanks for the nugget. Perfect for folks like me with short-term memory.
  • People deal with their "emotional content" in many different ways. Often during times of emotional upset, I find it's hard to really give two shits about much. I've found that participation and consistency are two of the hardest qualities to maintain in life.

    Perhaps, allowing Your readers to see both sides of Your emotion gives them the chance to associate their relationship with You on a deeper level.

    As for getting the motivation to do anything during the "shit storm"? Social media may actually speed up our emotional recovery times when You think about all the interesting people that are available as an outlet for our emotions.

    Thanks for opening up John.
  • @SocialMind - "Participation and consistency" are key. And I feel so much better after throwing up on my readers! Thank you, readers! ;-)
  • There is just too much content out there to grab (and retain) everyones attention.
    Being honest and genuine may loose a few subscribers, but the people you keep will be real readers and followers of your content.
  • @Neil - Agreed. And when you're completely yourself, you can pump out more juice over the long term.
  • Found this post via a link in the comments beneath your 'Bigger than your blog' post - thanks for posting it, I really needed to read this today! I'm going through my own personal shit storm and had decided to give up on blogging and social media because I just can't keep up the public persona I think people expect to see. But, you're right, I'm only the only person who really believes I need to pin on a smile and be cheerful all the time.
  • For sure, be yourself - it's easier to manage. And if people don't like it, then bring on the hate mail!
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