How to build community by taking

Posted October 26, 2009
15 Comments

HamsterCarrot 1 How to build community by taking

A big part of nurturing and building your community is about giving. You always thinking about your friends: “What do they need?”, “How can I promote their agenda before mine?“, “How can I build valuable connections between people?”. You single-minded focus on on them – on giving – is why they love you.

I’m a giver too. That’s where I find meaning, and as far as I can remember, I’ve always been that way. But like most givers, I find it hard to receive. For example, when I had the flu last month, I refused help – even though I couldn’t get out of bed – for three days! My girlfriend, Kate had to practically break into my place with chicken soup.

Selfish Giving

When Kate was finally able break in using a crow bar, I saw a big smile on her face. I saw that, like me, she is also nourished by giving. Receiving happens simultaneously when when we are giving. And by refusing her help, I was being selfish.

How to take

Take from your readers: While sifting through my Feedly reader this weekend, I saw Danny asking his readers about his blog design: “I’d love for you to help me one way or another, if that’s okay with you?” Simple, short and human.

The 20 or so comments in 12 hours that proves two things:

  1. Danny has a lively community who cares.
  2. Danny values their input.

Take from their inbox: Then April emailed me and a few of her friends asking for help. “If you’ve got a few minutes and you’re willing, I’d love to have you answer this: Do I really need to be blogging regularly if I’ve got a service-based business?” Of course, I was happy to offer my experience which she published along with other responses. This made me feel valued and included among her close friends. She took, and by giving I received.

Take on Twitter: Twitter is an answer box. I got an iPhone last week (yay for me!) and wanted to know what the best Twitter app was. So I asked Twitter. Ashley, Seshu and Doc jumped in with their answers. Was it good for them? Maybe.

What’s been your experience?

Bookmark and Share
  • frankdickinson
    Hey John, great topic.

    I too like to think of myself as a giver. I find great meaning is helping others in anyway I can. Who wouldn't like at least a moment of good karma each day?

    Speaking of Karma, in the last couple of years, I have been quite taken by the phrase "What you give away, you get to keep." I have found it true in my life that if I focus on the first part of the phrase - the second part comes quite naturally.

    The question remains though: Am I set up to receive? And that, my friend, is my greatest struggle right now.

    How to receive. How to take.
  • Setting myself up to receive to a major turn for me when I realized that allowing myself to receive actually GIVES other's the opportunity to give, if that makes sense... In other words, by leveraging my natural ability as a giver, I am able to short-circuit this struggle.

    The brain is like a dog - it will do what you want if you give it the right commands!
  • John:

    Shame, shame, shame on you for not allowing the people that love you to take care of you during your illness. If you're like me, pride, independence and stubborness can get in the way.

    H-m-m, you are willing to receive because you've justified it as a way the other person can give to you. Isn't that still giving and not fully open to receiving yet? The true test comes when you can receive, for receiving sake, not seeing yourself as allowing the other person to give. Just receiving the gift, the thought, the intention, the kindness. Make sense?
  • frankdickinson
    John,

    Jeff may be on to something here.

    Damn, now you got me thinking and that's never good on a Monday morning!

    Has me thinking about how the Dali Lama receives - graciousness seems to be the key. A heart filled with graciousness accepting the gift, whatever it may be, for the simple sake of accepting.

    "Gracious acceptance."

    Am I getting anywhere?
  • Yes - see my comment to Jeff. :-)
  • Jeff,

    Yes - you totally makes sense. However, like you, I'm a human built upon nuances - not ones and zeros. At times, yes, I'm willing to receive because I've justified it as a way to allow the other to give. At other times, I can just receive. But is one worse than the other? And are giving and receiving separate functions or are they part of a greater whole, like Frank explains below ("Gracious acceptance.")?

    John

    John
  • suzannetucker
    Wow John. I had a similar epiphany after getting super sick w the flu... I NEED to need others. It has to be OK with me or i'm going to be in big trouble come end of jan and birth of our twins. so in all, the flu? a HUGE GIFT... a wake up call similar to the one you had.

    Why do we fight it so? Guess we get used to thinking of ourselves as independent, capable "beings" and to rely on another opens one up to feeling vulnerable. (i'm not a doctor but i did take psych 001. *smiles*)

    Loved the Beatles song. Here's one for you. Imagine the person/s you love in your life singing it to YOU. peace and love to you and thanks for this AWESOME post on the yin/yang of life... giving and receiving.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DmpM8DMZ9E
  • Why do we fight it so? Because we live within a grand illusion, thinking that we are separate from one another.
    There's a concept in Buddhism called "Dependent Origination" which essentially says that everything exists in relationship to everything else. In other words, we're all letters in a massive bowl of cause and effect alphabet soup!

    Oh, I love Cheap Trick!
  • Intriguing post, mate (and thanks for the kind shout, by the way - and yes, there are some very kind souls over that direction). :)

    I wonder if it's a "man thing"? Do we get brought up to believe that we're the hunter / gatherers, and so we shouldn't accept help unless we really need it?

    Perhaps. Just means we're missing out though ;-)
  • We're only missing out if we don't evolve. How has asking favors of your readers strengthened your community?
  • I think you probably answered your own question with in-post comment, mate - hopefully it's seen as a two-way space, where I genuinely do care about everyone's views (even if they're bashing me!) :)

    Half of the word "community" is "unity" - there's none of that if you don't care about everyone else. I'd like to think I care, and that comes across so that it helps build a real "we're all here together" feeling. :)
  • It comes across loud and clear!
  • No question about giving I'm all for it, it is interesting that over many years watching takers enter a network event and try to take, take take, they inevitably find themselves being shunned and even ignored. Giving is almost devine and we as humans seem to have a built in sensor that lets us know who the good guys are. Enjoyed all of the comments thanks for sharing Brian
  • Brian - thanks for stopping by. One thing about "taking" is this: You can do it effectively if people trust you.
blog comments powered by Disqus